Lone Wolves Take Note
If I don't need anyone else to 'fix' the problem I don't need to reach out - right? Here's why being both independent and fully connected to others is a balance worth striking.
This week I’ve been thinking about independence. Not the glorious, feminist, Beyoncé kind that I’ll always champion - but the kind that quietly isolates us, cuts us off from connection, and leaves us sitting on life’s metaphorical hard shoulder wondering why we feel so damn alone.
It started with a conversation with a friend whose car broke down last week. She shared how both her brother and her nephew had offered to stay with her while she waited for the RAC - and how she’d refused them both.
“I mean, they couldn’t do anything,” she shrugged. “Why make them sit there, wasting their evening? I’m perfectly capable of waiting in a car by myself.”
And she’s right, of course. She is perfectly capable. But she didn’t say no because she wanted to sit alone on a dark country lane. She said no because she didn’t feel she deserved to take up their time. Because she unconsciously deduced that sitting with her was fundamentally wasting their time.
And I really recognised myself in that.
Because we lone-wolf types are brilliant at that particular brand of independence. We tell ourselves:
“They’d be bored.”
“It’s not fair to ask.”
“They’ve got better things to do.”
And then we sit there, stoic and self-sufficient, all the while quietly wishing someone was there with us.
But when someone offers to stay with you while you wait for a breakdown truck, it’s not about solving anything. It’s about solidarity - it’s about connection. About saying: I’m here with you while this pain-in-the-ass thing is happening.
But for many of us, help feels uncomfortable. Somewhere along the line we learned that needing others equalled being a burden - so we reject the offers. And every time we do, we reinforce the story that we are on our own. That we can only rely on ourselves.
Well, that story needs a rewrite.
Because this isn’t about giving up our ability to do things solo. By all means, go to the cinema alone, travel solo, eat dinner for one: those are conscious, empowered choices - and ones that women historically haven’t had for very long (and still don’t have in many cultures). But when life throws a curveball - even a minor one like a flat tyre - what we often need most is connection. Especially if we don’t have a special someone at home who we can call, text, or just share the whole saga with when it’s done.
And there’s also a real contradiction in play here. Because when stuff goes wrong it can amplify any isolation there might be in our lives - BUT, seeking or accepting connection at this time can feel exposing and vulnerable. Like we might owe someone something afterwards. Or perhaps that they’ll then resent us. So, we don’t reach out or accept what’s being offered, and fester or suffer alone.
But most people really do want to help. Just as we do when the roles are reversed. Accepting help allows others to express care, so when we reject their kindness we’re doing the opposite of being thoughtful. When we lean into accepting connection we give to both us and them, instead of white-knuckling our way through everything alone.
But it’s not just about accepting help - it’s about how we ask for it too.
Too often we sit silently wishing someone would swoop in and rescue us, only to feel hurt when they don’t. But no one can read our minds! And we set ourselves up for disappointment and even anger when we put the onus on others to anticipate our needs.
I was bad at this for a long time - and of course I was! My upbringing didn’t nurture a space of asking and giving help with generosity and compassion. I didn’t know how to ask - so I didn’t! But I’d feel the pain deeply when others didn’t see all that was going on in the inside - all that I needed. Because if, additionally, you feel pulled to prove your worth by anticipating others needs - so that you might one day ‘be enough’ - then it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing others should do the same for you. But believing that others should automatically intuit what we want and need is unreasonable and unrealistic - and just sets us up for feeling dejected when they don’t, or can’t.
So, how to rectify that? Well, asking clearly - “I’d love it if you could stay with me while I wait” - gives someone the chance to say yes wholeheartedly (or no, and then we know where we stand!) And at least then we’re dealing with reality, not assumptions - which are, of course the mother of all…painful experiences.
So here’s what I’m mulling over this week - and what I invite you to consider too:
Notice where you’re saying no to connection. Is there an offer of support you’ve brushed off because it felt “unnecessary”? Would accepting actually make you feel more connected, more seen, more supported?
Practice asking clearly and calmly. Instead of hoping someone notices, try voicing what you need. Give them the gift of clarity - and yourself the gift of finding out where you and they stand.
Examine the story you hold about being helped. Are you secretly worried that needing support makes you weak or a burden? What would it be like to reframe it as allowing others to care for you and provide comforting connection while you move through life’s challenges?
To sum up: asking for help is not saying you can’t cope. It’s not a sign of weakness or failure. It’s saying, I deserve to not feel alone when enduring life’s ups and downs.
You don’t have to experience shitty moments alone just because you can. You don’t have to sit by the roadside of life waiting for rescue, gritting your teeth and feeling abandoned.
This is exactly what I help my clients do - rewrite those old patterns of over-independence, invite support in, and discover how much easier and richer life becomes when you’re not white-knuckling it solo. Over-independence is a habit, and it’s not as empowering as we like to believe.
If you’re ready to stop doing it all alone - and start co-creating your next chapter with someone in your corner - I’d love to help.
Click the button below, book a FREE call with me today and let’s create the plan you need to move forward into real happiness. Because the treasure is always found in partnership - I guarantee it.
DFM Recommends…
Watch this…
I heard good things recently about series 2 of the Channel 4 comedy The Change and decided to revisit series one again before I dived in. OK, I actually forgot that I’d already watched it, but hey, that’s rather appropriate considering it’s the story of a menopausal woman! After tallying decades of unrecognised emotional and domestic labour for her slobbish husband (Omid Djalili) - our heroine Linda reaches her limit, jumps on her old Triumph motorbike, and goes off on an odyssey to the Forest of Dean.
Written by and starring a marvellously deadpan Bridget Christie, it’s a wonderfully playful but razor-sharp take on midlife female FFS-ness. I challenge you not to laugh at every scene featuring Paul Whitehouse, who gives his all as the local oblivious old white bloke, but it’s a treat throughout. I couldn’t help but notice how watching series one again from 2 years ago reveals a portrayal of English angst at immigration and change that seems gently benign compared to what we’re experiencing currently. But when it comes to Linda and the other women of The Change who’ve most definitely had enough, it might be a story as old as the hills, but this is a terrifically refreshing new take on it.
Book this:
Whether you’re a lone wolf currently roaming aimlessly and struggling to find the right path, or you’ve other midlife struggles that are feeling as sticky as syrup - might it be time to reach out for some one-to-one coaching with me?
My Midlife MOT programme is the perfect way to get out of your current hole and enjoy a whole new lease of energy and positivity about your life and what’s possible. In just 3 months you’ll transform your current inability to take effective action or build the life you desire. All that self-doubt holding you back - all that painful comparison to others who you see breezing through their lives - will be a thing of the past as you move into coherent, exciting and achievable action and realise your yearned for goals.
Working with me a in dedicated container of structured support is about saying YES to you and all that you want for your life. And all that you deserve. Working in our Power Partnership will give you the space you need to confidently make the lasting change you’ve been dreaming of for so long. Plus, I’ll provide the resources, feedback and guidance you desperately need to make the shifts that are currently proving impossible.
PLUS in 6 months - with my optional Keep the Change follow-on programme - you’ll have all the support and guidance you need to both plant exciting seeds now and nurture them into their fullest fruition by next Spring.
So if you’re ready to move beyond feeling stuck and isolated, then just book in for a FREE coaching session with me now, and let’s get you set up to bloom!
Because here’s the thing: so many of us get to a point in our lives - it can be midlife, it can be sooner - and find we’ve lost our way. Life events - a crisis, or a period of ongoing unease - make us realise that what previously worked to move the dial or overcome challenges no longer works.
So we panic! Surely we should have it all worked out ‘by now’ - right? “If I can’t sort myself out at this point of my life with all I’ve been through, then I’m a failure!”
But struggling alone is not the answer.
We need a new roadmap when we hit midlife, or come to that point where just rearranging the pieces of our life will no longer cut it. And we can’t build that roadmap alone - because we need to create and curate a new identity that sets us up for building the life that’s truly ours. We need to embark on genuine transformation - we need a Midlife MOT and we need a guide to help us.
Now, I often speak to women who fear making big change - even when they know how deeply unhappy they are. Even whilst they are struggling and feeling overwhelmed. Why? Because they worry too much personal change will blow up their lives. But it doesn’t work like that! It’s not all or nothing, and you remain in charge. You change what you want to change, or what you understand you need to change. At a pace you decide.
So if you’ve an itch to reinvent yourself that’s ready to be scratched - know that you’re right on time. And that you too can create the new version of you and your life that you deeply desire - without collapsing your whole life.
So if you’re struggling with challenges and unable to take the next step - or even identify what that might be - might it be time to reach out for support?
Because life requires us to transform to truly thrive.
And if you’re feeling that what worked previously doesn’t seem to anymore - you’re right!
Here’s the thing: making that shift into your 2.0 version? It’s hard to do without tailored guidance. Because the maze of change a bugger to find our way out of alone.
And that’s where I can help. Because I’ve been there, and I’ve trained in a coaching modality that delivers the support and the powerful and fast results that will shift you into a whole new life and way of showing up.
It’s time to recalibrate to the life that aligns with who you are - and who you’re ready to become.
So why not click the button below, and book in for FREE with me?
Because when life drops bombs on us, working through the debris is hard - especially alone. Many of us are more disconnected from the help we need than we care to admit. Or, we believe we should be able to deal with everything alone - that needing help equals weakness.
Here’s the thing: that determination to struggle in silence? It’s keeping you stuck. It’s only in relationship with others that we can break free of old patterns and beliefs that no longer serve us - because it’s impossible to see those patterns and beliefs ourselves, let alone know how to transform them!
When there’s a lot to navigate, or when you’re a long way from where you’d like to be, coaching is often the missing piece you didn’t know you needed.
I work with women who’ve spent years living by the rules, roles, or routines expected of them and are now asking: is this it? I help them reconnect with themselves, release guilt and uncertainty, and create a life that feels real, rich, and fully their own.
Whether you’ve built a career, cared for others, or simply kept going without stopping to ask what you really wanted, it’s time to finally put yourself at the centre of your own life.
Because you’ve done everything you were ‘supposed’ to - right? Yet something still feels off. I support women who are quietly questioning their life path so they can realign with their truth - including dreams that perhaps got lost along the way - and design the next chapter on their own terms.
So if you’re feeling emotionally exhausted, overlooked, or like you’ve lost yourself in the demands of life, working with me will enable you to reclaim your identity, expand into new possibility, create much needed boundaries, and finally make space for your own desires and ambitions.
Remember: needing help is ok and doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
So if you’re ready to commit to making REAL and lasting change, why not book a FREE Discovery session with me? Just click here and arrange a 45 minute slot. Together, we’ll explore your reinvention and how you might best achieve it.
In our short time together, I’ll help you:
Set our your vision
Get clear on what’s been holding you back
Get clear on the exact next steps you need to take
Discover if we’re a good fit to work together
What are you waiting for - let’s do this, and let’s get your 2025 on track!
Email wendy@dramafreeyou.com with any questions you don’t see answered at my website.
It’s time to transform your life - let’s do this!
That’s it for now - keep on reaching for your best self, and reaching out to those who might help you.
Because Drama belongs in the movies, not in your life.
Until next time,
Wendy